


i'm not happy or sad, just up and down (and always bad)

by dreamwearer



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 23:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20732348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamwearer/pseuds/dreamwearer
Summary: Yosuke thinks some stupid shit only shitty people would think.(please heed the tags.)





	i'm not happy or sad, just up and down (and always bad)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this fic deals with very explicit suicidal thoughts, although no suicidal actions are made. yosuke experiences a lot of thoughts i personally deal with in this fic, even if the reasons for doing so are different, so this is quite personal. 
> 
> i wrote this as a coping mechanism so i stop feeling the way yosuke is in this fic, so its not the best but i hope you still enjoy it regardless.

\---

Yosuke definitely isn't bottling things up.

He's already used to this! Anxiety is totally normal, everyone gets anxious sometimes, right? The butterflies in his stomach are totally fine and normal! They're just simple butterflies, right?

The simple butterflies and their delicate, razor tipped wings slice at his insides - mincing up his kidneys and liver - tugging down the rope of his oesophagus and climbing up to wreak havoc between his ribs.

Fluttering their wings, beating what little air he could grasp out of his lungs, depriving his malfunctioning brain of that sweet, sweet oxygen. Still, they're nothing to phone home about.

Yosuke is fine. Physically, he's in bed, safe and healthy, but right now, his shitty brain is starting to ask the stupid, shitty questions only bad people would ask. Questions like: would he be unprepared for his inevitable permanent death? Or is he too experienced with death to care?

Carrying on from that wonderful thought, what if they run out of revival supplies and he actually _ dies _ while in the TV world? What would they even say to his parents? Honestly, they would probably think he was killed by the guy everyone's been looking for. Would his body end up like one of the victims of the killer, although he died all of his own stupidity? 

What would he look like strung up on the telephone lines like Saki was? Oh, fuck. Saki. Why couldn’t they revive _ her _ with a Revival Bead?

He clicks the volume up button of his mp3 player like the trigger of a handgun, trying to distract himself as his synapses spiral deeper and deeper down in this rabbit hole of stupid, shitty thoughts. Shitty thoughts only bad people would think.

Shitty thoughts like, _ maybe Saki was lucky? _

You would never catch him admitting this to anyone, but sometimes when the Dia's and Media's aren't enough, and when his Garu's don't land, sometimes it's easy to think that it would be better to just give up. Sometimes, he even thinks that he would be okay with it.

Sometimes on nights like these where the butterflies get too much, he walks out of bed, lifting off his covers and tiptoeing ever so quietly as to not wake Teddie in the closet right nearby, and sits in front of the TV that stands across his room. Wondering. 

Would dying in the TV world permanently be better than trying to die in the real world? Even if he ended up being strung up some phone wires, it would be easier to blame it on an accident, wouldn't it? It'd also be easier to do, as the TV is _right there_ _in front of him. _

And, well shit! Yosuke has a 8 hour shift tomorrow! No more stupid Junes to take up all of his energy and time, no more dad to nag him and drag him halfway across Japan, no more mum to ignore him and - _ no._

Yosuke falls onto his back, knocking himself out of this thought spiral he's in. Dragging his balmy hands across his face that he can just _ barely _ feel to try and bring him out of his own fucking head. 

Idiot. What was he thinking. Stupid Yosuke running his mouth on stupid shit, he sounds batshit insane. Fuck, he can't imagine how annoying people think he is, when even he can't handle himself. He's not fucking suicidal. He's not. 

Even if he were to kill himself, it's not like anyone would really care? Yu has the entirety of Tokyo, the entirety of the female population of Inaba, everyone he damn meets falls in love with him. Including Yosuke. Even if he were to kill himself, Yosuke would be forgotten easily, replaced by someone funnier, smarter and just better than him.

Funnily enough, if Yu found out about any of this, if he heard everything that Yosuke thought about in the past couple months, he would probably try to convince him otherwise. He's too nice that way. 

Yu would say: "I would miss you. Let me help you." 

and,

"Please Yosuke, think about this."

_ and, _

"Yosuke, you don't really want to die, right?"

Fuck. Maybe Imagination Yu is right! Maybe Yosuke is just sick of the fucking anxiety, day in, day out! He's not even depressed! He can't, he's just _ anxious _ because, well shit, who wouldn't be? He's worn down to his bones every day in the damn TV World, and who wouldn't get sick of that! But, _ he can handle it! _

Instead of killing himself, maybe he should just give this persona shit up entirely. Thats the reason he has to deal with this shit in the first place. He could just go and live a normal student life where he doesn't ask these stupid, shitty questions all the time. All he would need to do is text Yu and deal with Yu's intense disappointment for a while. It's not like he hasn't been on the receiving end of that disappointment before.

Scrambling to find his phone as silently as possible, grabbing it off his nightstand, he powers on his phone to do just that. He's going to open his messages and tell Yu what's up. 

Yosuke (1:34am): yu im dun

He's not going to see these messages until morning, but Yosuke can't fucking _ wait _ anymore _ . _

Yosuke: (1:34am): fuk this

Yosuke: (1:35am): find the killr w/o me

Breathe in, breathe out. There. He did it. No more shadows, no more dropping his knives like an idiot, no more getting beaten within an inch of his life over and _ over _ again. No more lying to his parents about what he's doing that day, no more of these damn nights where he's acting insane.

He throws the phone onto his bed, wincing slightly at the soft sound it makes when it lands. But once it lands upon his crumpled bedsheets, not a moment passes until he winces even more. Yu wouldn't have been up this late, would he? 

… Guess he is. 

Yu (1:37am): Yosuke? What's wrong? 

Ever so fucking faithful, and always there for his teammates, thats Yu Narukami. God damn it. 

Yu (1:37am): Are you okay?

Hah. Yosuke cracks a smile at that. Is he okay? For the past couple hours he's been throwing this little tantrum over some stupid, little anxiety that anyone can handle. It's fine though, he hasn't cried yet. 

Yu (1:38am): I'm coming over. 

Fuck. If his parents are woken up by Yu coming over he's fucked. 

Yosuke (1:38am): nonono

Yosuke (1:38am): meet me @ samegawa

He'll have to sneak out, but telling Yu he wants to quit the Investigation Team will be easier face to face anyways. 

Yu (1:39am): Okay. 

\---

**Author's Note:**

> ive rewritten this fic so many times i think. originally it was going to be set in junes, where yosuke experiences these things in the staff bathroom lmao. 
> 
> (honestly i project onto this boy too much, sorry yosk...)


End file.
